I GRADUATED

You heard that right. I handed in my thesis, put on the cap and gown, and walked. My diploma is... somewhere in my room right now, but it's there. It's all in Latin, so I can't read a thing, and my cap and gown are currently in the bottom drawer, where they'll rest for the foreseeable future/ until some weird Halloween function comes up. It felt really weird putting it on, and even weirder packing it back up. Somehow, I feel like it should have had a longer lifespan, given its significance.

And now, I'm home.

I've never actually been in London for anything other than holidays. We moved here while I was in boarding school, and then I went from here straight to uni, so I haven't really experienced life in action at home since I was fourteen. That's about eight years. I've been here for less than two weeks, and it still hasn't really sunk in.

But, hey, more writing time!

My novel, TA, is undergoing serious revisions in the wake of graduation and thesis feedback. Everything's been very encouraging, so I'm pumped! I'm planning to have a full, revised draft by the end of June, which means that I've got to really push myself.

It's kind of strange to have all of this free time suddenly open up before me. For writing, for reading, for music, for drawing, for running, for binge-watching QI on Netflix. I'm a little afraid of it, to be honest. It's a glorious, terrifying freedom that requires a fair amount of self-discipline to govern. I can do so much with it - or nothing at all. I can come away with a finished book, or not. I can be ready to query, or not.

The craziest part is that I can see myself heading down two timelines. In one, I fight for my story, and I pursue my dreams to the endgame (well, endgame, pt. 1 of many). In the other, I'm not a writer. I'm someone who writes occasionally, but not with any real intent. Who's forgotten their dream.

This is what I'm really afraid of - that I lack the self-discipline to make it, or even that I lack the confidence to believe I can make it. I know so many talented writers who've simply decided that their options are better in a pragmatic, nine to five job, and as a result, have put their publishing dreams in a box at the back of their mind.

I'm so worried this will be me.

But the truth is, I don't really have an answer for that kind of worry, except to continue onwards and upwards, and to believe that I am capable of achieving all that I set my mind to.

So... onwards and upwards?

Spring is here (and so is my thesis deadline)

Well, a whole month has gone by. My days have looked a little like this:

- work on thesis
- work on thesis
- PANIC
- oh god french why
- work on thesis

And I'm sure they'll continue to look like this as April comes forward, except more intense. Le sigh.

But also, it's nice to see grass again.

Raven kings and tarot cards

Today Maggie Stiefvater posted about The Raven King and gave me all kinds of a need to reread the books again. I'm trying to stay away from rereading at the moment, since I have so many new books to catch up on. Just this weekend, I bought The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer, The Rook by Daniel O'Malley, and The Ruby Circle by Richelle Mead. I've had my eye on The Rook for ages - like three years or so - and I figured it was time to suck it up and take a look. I've also been toying around with The Art of Asking for a while, and well, The Ruby Circle just came out. And I have to find out what happens to Adrien and Sydney.

So no Raven boys for me right now. Maybe over Trin Days, or Spring Break.

However, I was inspired by Maggie Stiefvater this semester to create my own tarot deck based on my thesis a.k.a. TA, as the project for my Concepts and Processes class. After doing a bunch of sketches, I've finally done the first two cards: The Lovers, and Strength. I will post them at some point maybe.

I've been steadily working on TA, with lots of help from my advisor in the form of creating a timeline and summary. I never thought I'd find it useful, but it's actually one of the things that's propelling me forward right now.

The snow is still here. It was a balmy 4C today and we were all wondering why we were so warm. Makes me wish it would get a little warmer still.

More snow and terror

I am sick. With mono. Ugh.

I was feeling really tired during the first couple of weeks back at Trinity in an unusual, past-the-jetlag kind of way, even though I was getting nine hours of sleep, so I went to the health centre. A blood test and week later, I got a call from one of the nurses. Yes, it's mono. Quit your physical classes, and sleep lots. No alcohol for four weeks.

Le sigh.

Of course this is all past the add/drop period, so this past week has been a medley of emails to all my professors, a meeting with the Dean of Students, and trying to withdraw from ice skating. But it's done, and I'm more or less sorted. This could also be way, way worse. My roommate got mono last year and at one point she had to go to hospital to have throat abscesses drained, which sounds not at all fun.

Anyway. We've still got a ton of snow - in fact, we're due some more tomorrow! And Wednesday! It's really pretty from the inside, and every weekend feels like a special snow day, which helps to keep me productive.

On the terror front, I'm still working out what I want to do and where I want to live, as well as figuring out who will actually employ me. I wish I had some hardcore advice about what to do (art school? France? Publishing?), but I guess I'm more or less on my own for this one. Trying very hard not to think about that.

On a slightly cheerier note, I'm still working on TA, and I'm on track for my first draft deadline. It's been tricky trying to balance it with all of my other work, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

So much snow! (and terror)

SPRING SEMESTER SENIOR YEAR.

Man, there is so much terror in that. I'm trying very hard not to think about it, while still applying for jobs, internships, etc. etc. Mostly, what I'm doing is going, "LOOK AT ALL THE GLORIOUS OPPORTUNITIES - I MUST HAVE THEM ALLLLLL", which is not really that productive. I'm trying to keep my options as open as possible, though, since I don't really know where I want to be next year.

We've had at least a blizzard per week since I've got back to uni. It has been beautiful and glorious, and I'm really hoping that my French professor will cancel class this morning. It's not that I don't like her class... but I'm not a fan of Mondays.

In other news - I finished The Mime Order by Samantha Shannon! I enjoyed it immensely. It was everything I wanted in a sequel and more, and while I was not as crazy about the first book, I wholeheartedly recommend the series as a whole. I am very much looking forward to the next one.

Anyway, back on track with TA. It's actually my senior thesis right now, so... yeah. Scary stuff. Right now, I'm aiming for a first draft by 31st March, and I think it's doable. This semester, I've deliberately made my schedule as easy as possible to focus on my thesis. So far, it's working.

Finals week aka the week of DOOM

Ugh, finals week.

It knocks you out and crushes you flat, and still somehow I'm twitching on, like a pesky spider THAT JUST WON'T DIE. Still, it's given me a chance to reflect back on this semester and how it's gone.

It's been happier, I think. I've felt more productive in my classes, particularly in my senior workshop. I've really enjoyed writing genre fiction in class (le gasp) and everyone has been great fun to work with. Even though I'm frustrated with my own work, it's interesting to see how everyone's developed.

Some days I've been on the struggle bus more than others. But I keep going because you know, what else am I going to do? I can always choose to put down the pen. It is the easier choice, in some ways. But it is so much more fulfilling to keep at it, no matter how exhausting it gets some days.

I've just gotta keep twitching on.

Is this thing on?

So I've been away for a while... like half a year.

I know. I said I wasn't going to do this.

But at the beginning of the summer, my computer died, and I lost about 20,000 words of various projects, including TA. Which, as you might imagine, set me back a little. Although I tinkered around a bit, I didn't really start anything until September, by which time college had started, etc. and I got busy.

Anyway, I'm back now!