Has it been over a year?

Yes, yes it has.


Oops.


Well, there have been a couple of updates since then, but really the big one is that I FINISHED MY BOOK. Hurray! *pops champagne bottle*

It's about magicians and archaeology and a semi-sentient chateau with questionable motives. It's got romance and dead bodies (not related), abandoned theatres and underwater ballrooms. Three young people who can't seem to shake off the weight of the past.

And secrets. Lots and lots of secrets. Think Howl's Moving Castle with We Have Always Lived in the Castle.

It's weird to finally label this as done when I've been working on it for so long, and though the slog of finding an agent is underway - a wrestle of unending anxiety and time - part of me still wants to shake it up and re-examine every word yet again. Does this fit here? How many angles can I take in this scene? How much is being said through what the characters don't say?

Blah, blah, repeat. But for now, at least, I'm moving away from it. To a new book! To a new (actually really old, have been working at this forever) book.

I don't know what it's called yet, but it's going to be awesome. If The Assistant is ultimately a domestic drama, then this is the opposite. Large scale, heavy world-changing stakes. Questions of allegiance to kings, guardsmen, old friends. Wanted princes and forgotten kingdoms. Children of the gods. And of course, my favourite reluctant protagonist.

It was the first NaNoWriMo novel I ever wrote, and it's this year's do over. Of course what I'm writing now is in a... peculiar shape, shall we say, but that's to be expected. Bones, then muscle, then all the delights that skin has to offer. Muscle before skin. Brush strokes before detail. (insert favourite writing cliche here).

Onwards and upwards!

A job!

A JOB!

WOOOOOOO EMPLOYMENT!

Ahem.

Now that's out the way, I'm sure you can guess that I am employed. Yup. Me. Full time job and everything as a bookseller at the big W. It's hectic and I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day, but I love it. Genuinely, it's everything that I thought it'd be, and more. I love the way that the company's run, and my new co-workers (colleagues? fellow book-people?) are incredibly kind and patient. God knows I've needed that. I didn't think it was possible to be clumsier than I am, but it turns out I was wrong.

So very, very wrong.

A lot of the fears and questions I've expressed over the past year or so have largely been assuaged, though the job's come with new and surprising ones. Like:

Have I peaked in life? Is this it?

and:

How crap am I at this job? Why can't I find anything? Why don't I know anything?

and on a less fearsome note:

When's lunch?

On the writing side of things, I've been... well, absent. Again. Part of it has been the sheer exhaustion of this job; bookselling is hard. It's insane how much you move, and how emotionally and mentally there you have to be, if that makes sense.

But I'm two and a half months in, and that excuse is wearing thin. All of my other hobbies are getting some well-deserved attention. I'm getting better at piano, and I got new brushes the other day (!) and gouache (!!!) paints, which I have no idea how to use. I've even pulled out the good old embroidery and made some work on it.

On the one hand, it's been wonderful to have both the time and funds to use on things like sheet music and new paint. All without the guilt of "but I should be learning", by which I mean, the academic pressures are no longer there. I don't care if I spend three hours a day painting or learning music BECAUSE I CAN DO IT YEAHHH.

And then again, on the other hand, I'm not really using that time to write, though I certainly continue to think about it all day. TA is at a snail's pace, and though I'm writing the ending (!) there are still large chunks in the middle that have yet to materialise as words. It's moving, though. I've sketched out the overall plot, including all those pesky middle bits, and I've certainly written some of them down somewhere.

Plus, you know, NaNoWriMo and Inktober are coming, and I plan to be present and active for both. So to the stars I go!

I GRADUATED

You heard that right. I handed in my thesis, put on the cap and gown, and walked. My diploma is... somewhere in my room right now, but it's there. It's all in Latin, so I can't read a thing, and my cap and gown are currently in the bottom drawer, where they'll rest for the foreseeable future/ until some weird Halloween function comes up. It felt really weird putting it on, and even weirder packing it back up. Somehow, I feel like it should have had a longer lifespan, given its significance.

And now, I'm home.

I've never actually been in London for anything other than holidays. We moved here while I was in boarding school, and then I went from here straight to uni, so I haven't really experienced life in action at home since I was fourteen. That's about eight years. I've been here for less than two weeks, and it still hasn't really sunk in.

But, hey, more writing time!

My novel, TA, is undergoing serious revisions in the wake of graduation and thesis feedback. Everything's been very encouraging, so I'm pumped! I'm planning to have a full, revised draft by the end of June, which means that I've got to really push myself.

It's kind of strange to have all of this free time suddenly open up before me. For writing, for reading, for music, for drawing, for running, for binge-watching QI on Netflix. I'm a little afraid of it, to be honest. It's a glorious, terrifying freedom that requires a fair amount of self-discipline to govern. I can do so much with it - or nothing at all. I can come away with a finished book, or not. I can be ready to query, or not.

The craziest part is that I can see myself heading down two timelines. In one, I fight for my story, and I pursue my dreams to the endgame (well, endgame, pt. 1 of many). In the other, I'm not a writer. I'm someone who writes occasionally, but not with any real intent. Who's forgotten their dream.

This is what I'm really afraid of - that I lack the self-discipline to make it, or even that I lack the confidence to believe I can make it. I know so many talented writers who've simply decided that their options are better in a pragmatic, nine to five job, and as a result, have put their publishing dreams in a box at the back of their mind.

I'm so worried this will be me.

But the truth is, I don't really have an answer for that kind of worry, except to continue onwards and upwards, and to believe that I am capable of achieving all that I set my mind to.

So... onwards and upwards?

Spring is here (and so is my thesis deadline)

Well, a whole month has gone by. My days have looked a little like this:

- work on thesis
- work on thesis
- PANIC
- oh god french why
- work on thesis

And I'm sure they'll continue to look like this as April comes forward, except more intense. Le sigh.

But also, it's nice to see grass again.

Raven kings and tarot cards

Today Maggie Stiefvater posted about The Raven King and gave me all kinds of a need to reread the books again. I'm trying to stay away from rereading at the moment, since I have so many new books to catch up on. Just this weekend, I bought The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer, The Rook by Daniel O'Malley, and The Ruby Circle by Richelle Mead. I've had my eye on The Rook for ages - like three years or so - and I figured it was time to suck it up and take a look. I've also been toying around with The Art of Asking for a while, and well, The Ruby Circle just came out. And I have to find out what happens to Adrien and Sydney.

So no Raven boys for me right now. Maybe over Trin Days, or Spring Break.

However, I was inspired by Maggie Stiefvater this semester to create my own tarot deck based on my thesis a.k.a. TA, as the project for my Concepts and Processes class. After doing a bunch of sketches, I've finally done the first two cards: The Lovers, and Strength. I will post them at some point maybe.

I've been steadily working on TA, with lots of help from my advisor in the form of creating a timeline and summary. I never thought I'd find it useful, but it's actually one of the things that's propelling me forward right now.

The snow is still here. It was a balmy 4C today and we were all wondering why we were so warm. Makes me wish it would get a little warmer still.

More snow and terror

I am sick. With mono. Ugh.

I was feeling really tired during the first couple of weeks back at Trinity in an unusual, past-the-jetlag kind of way, even though I was getting nine hours of sleep, so I went to the health centre. A blood test and week later, I got a call from one of the nurses. Yes, it's mono. Quit your physical classes, and sleep lots. No alcohol for four weeks.

Le sigh.

Of course this is all past the add/drop period, so this past week has been a medley of emails to all my professors, a meeting with the Dean of Students, and trying to withdraw from ice skating. But it's done, and I'm more or less sorted. This could also be way, way worse. My roommate got mono last year and at one point she had to go to hospital to have throat abscesses drained, which sounds not at all fun.

Anyway. We've still got a ton of snow - in fact, we're due some more tomorrow! And Wednesday! It's really pretty from the inside, and every weekend feels like a special snow day, which helps to keep me productive.

On the terror front, I'm still working out what I want to do and where I want to live, as well as figuring out who will actually employ me. I wish I had some hardcore advice about what to do (art school? France? Publishing?), but I guess I'm more or less on my own for this one. Trying very hard not to think about that.

On a slightly cheerier note, I'm still working on TA, and I'm on track for my first draft deadline. It's been tricky trying to balance it with all of my other work, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

So much snow! (and terror)

SPRING SEMESTER SENIOR YEAR.

Man, there is so much terror in that. I'm trying very hard not to think about it, while still applying for jobs, internships, etc. etc. Mostly, what I'm doing is going, "LOOK AT ALL THE GLORIOUS OPPORTUNITIES - I MUST HAVE THEM ALLLLLL", which is not really that productive. I'm trying to keep my options as open as possible, though, since I don't really know where I want to be next year.

We've had at least a blizzard per week since I've got back to uni. It has been beautiful and glorious, and I'm really hoping that my French professor will cancel class this morning. It's not that I don't like her class... but I'm not a fan of Mondays.

In other news - I finished The Mime Order by Samantha Shannon! I enjoyed it immensely. It was everything I wanted in a sequel and more, and while I was not as crazy about the first book, I wholeheartedly recommend the series as a whole. I am very much looking forward to the next one.

Anyway, back on track with TA. It's actually my senior thesis right now, so... yeah. Scary stuff. Right now, I'm aiming for a first draft by 31st March, and I think it's doable. This semester, I've deliberately made my schedule as easy as possible to focus on my thesis. So far, it's working.

Is this thing on?

So I've been away for a while... like half a year.

I know. I said I wasn't going to do this.

But at the beginning of the summer, my computer died, and I lost about 20,000 words of various projects, including TA. Which, as you might imagine, set me back a little. Although I tinkered around a bit, I didn't really start anything until September, by which time college had started, etc. and I got busy.

Anyway, I'm back now!

Catching up

I haven't been on for ages, so I thought I'd give some updates.

1) I've started training for Tough Mudder.

Currently, I'm jogging like a very old person, but I'll get better at it, for sure. It's actually sort of nice to wake up early and head to the gym; I feel like I'm accomplishing something. Once I get home, I'll be running around the park behind my house.

2) Finals are here!

Ha… haha. *sweats nervously*

No, I'm kidding. The workload is light this semester, and I'm much more comfortable with what I'm expected to do than I have been in the past. I want to try and finish as much of my work this weekend so I can spend the rest of my time here basking in sunlight and reading.

3) I've resumed work on TA.

This is something I've wrestled with in my head more than on paper in the last month or so, but I've finally plucked up the courage to delve back in. I'm revising and making changes to the beginning of my story so I can move forward. I hope to have a draft done by the end of the summer so that I can hand it to my critique partners. There are definitely a lot of other stories on the mental coffee table, but some of them are still percolating, and I know how important it is to finish creative work.

Anyway, that's it for me now. After finals, expect to hear more from me.

Evaluating my progress as a writer

This post's theme is courtesy of Chuck Wendig at terribleminds.com.

In his post, the wonderful Wendig asked his readers to evaluate ourselves as writers, and I thought it was a really good exercise. Honestly, I kind of need it right now, given that I've come to a tremulous point in my life. (Junior? Grad school? Writing samples? *sweats nervously*)

Anyway, here goes:

a) What's your greatest strength/ skill in terms of writing/ storytelling?

I'd say at this point, I'm getting better at specific description. With TA, it's crucial for me to have good description because I'm working within a fixed location. Everything has a reason to be where it is. I'm trying to convey a history, and there's nothing that works quite as well for that as description.

b) What's your greatest weakness in writing/ storytelling? What gives you the most trouble?

Everything! No, I'm kidding, but some days it really does feel like that. Right now, though, I'm struggling a lot with finding smaller - yet crucial - conflicts to move the plot forward. In general, I tend to worry about my dialogue, and about whether I divulge too much about how my characters feel.

c) How many books or other projects have you actually finished? What did you do with them?

I mean, how finished are we talking about here? Draft 1? Because that's usually where things end up when I abandon them. I've written first drafts of nine novels, give or take. And then I hated them and left them in the corner to die. I do, however, tend to go back to projects and rewrite them a year or two down the line, so I've not given up entirely.

d) Best writing advice you've ever been given?

Get rid of adverbs. If you need to use adverbs, your verbs aren't strong enough. Get rid of anything that isn't "said", otherwise your dialogue isn't strong enough. This was a huge revelation for me.

e) Worst writing advice you've ever been given?

Use lots of adverbs.

f) One piece of advice you'd give other writers?

Don't discard writing on the basis that you don't think it's good enough. Stephen King threw away Carrie because he thought it was terrible, and his wife fished it out again. Bottom line: let your readers tell you what they think of it first.

Keeping myself accountable

I'm getting on with my novel (TA) pretty slowly, and I thought I'd check in. To tell you the truth, it could go faster. I could be writing more. I've deliberately organised my schedule this semester so that I have swathes of time to go to the gym, work on my art, and of course, writing. Yet somehow I'm only getting one of the three done.

Yeah, I didn't think it was going to be the gym, either. I think it's mostly because I've signed up for Tough Mudder in August and I am screwed unless I start training now. One of the things I have to particularly work on is my upper body strength, which is abysmal. At Tough Mudder, I'm expected to climb and haul myself over ten foot walls, and right now, I'm not exactly prepared for that. My roommate has lent me five pound weights to start off with. Five pounds is the equivalent of a newborn, and a small one at that. Here's the thing: five pounds is heavy. I am struggling to lift up small newborn babies, never mind myself. But I'll get there in the end.

With writing, I don't really have the same concrete goal. There are no consequences for me if I never finish TA, apart from a lack of novel. It's harder to keep myself accountable. I know that if I don't write 1,000 words a day, it will still be okay. Nothing will be there in the distant future to punish me if I fail. It's easy to think: I'm tired, I don't need to write. It's harder to think: I need to write because I've got to get this novel out of me and the only way to do that is to put pen to paper (or hands to keyboard).

So I guess my goal for today is to keep trucking. Even if I don't make it to 1,000 words today, I still have words down. The story's still in my head. I can work with what I've got, and after all, anything's better than a blank page. Onwards and upwards!